I'm home. I should be happy.
I've been home since late Friday night, and usually I have a wonderful time here. This time, though, I can't seem to enjoy myself, mostly because of all the work I have to do, but that's not the only dark cloud over my head. Lately I've been brooding about all kinds of personal matters. In early October, I'll be turning thirty, and I'm decidedly not the person I thought I'd be at almost-thirty. I thought I'd be much more together, confident, and mature, further along in my career, less lonely. I never imagined I'd still look at something like this and think it was cool. When I'm here, I see all my friends, some of whom married relatively young, had children, and settled down here, and I envy them. Sure, a lot of what goes into those decisions is social pressure to do those things, but most of the time, when I look at my friends in that situation, I think, wow, they're wise. And happy. They knew what they wanted eleven years before I did (well, I still don't know what I want; so much for that) and went after it. I was talking to one such friend the night before last who is married with three children, and she said I shouldn't envy her, because while she's happy, she has a lot of responsibility, and sometimes she envies me too. I think she was only trying to make me feel better, but I appreciate the gesture.
The other dark cloud is the possibility that, according to my doctor, I might have endometriosis. It's not that serious, but my grandmother had to have a hysterectomy because of it. In all likelihood, it wouldn't come to that in my case, but I have this nagging, paranoid scenario going through my mind: What if my doctor told me I'd have to have a hysterectomy sometime in the next, say, two years, and if I wanted to have a child, I'd better hurry up and do it? I don't have Lil's certainty that I want a child, but given a deadline, would I? If so, whom would I hit up for, uh, donation?
I have to dismiss this nonsense. :(
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happy shmappy
its all perspective. the way you view your friend's happiness could actually be just how they portray it because of their own insecurities about how their lives have evolved. it doesn't mean that they are in fact happy. you say you envy them because they knew what they wanted 11 years ago and went for it, but i think the roles are opposite. in my point of view, it's more likely they fell into the role that society decided for them, and more likely that the life you have took conscious efforts and decisions to be where you are now. the goals that you have set for yourself are not ones that can be reached in a short time, so of course you haven't accomplished all of them when you are ONLY almost 30 years old. trust me..it doesn't take much effort at all to pop out a few kids (unless a lesbian like me), in fact, it happens accidentally all the time. so step out from under that cloud and give it the finger because you kick ass.
ditto on some points
I agree that your happy friends may not be as happy as they claim or as happy as you think they are. Not to wish ill on them or jinx them, but will they be married in another 10 years? Odds are they won't.
But to be concerned about your choices, especially in terms of having children, is not "nonsense," Clancy. You have every right to be worried about matters of health and fertility; it's not silly. For me, it's simple. I've always known I didn't want kids, but if I had, it would have very clearly been an issue that I decided to hang out in grad school so long (I was 33 when I left as an ABD), and I'm not sure how I would have handled it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think you should belittle your fears or beat yourself up for having them.
I'm not where I thought I'd be at this age
Now that you mention it, so beautifully written, I usually felt that way (I'm 64) at various milestones--I think because we're always looking at others and think they've got all the answers. I never felt as old as I did at 22. I think because someone correctly guessed my age! You've got 10 safe years to decide about children; I don't think I'd look for a "donor" just yet.
General reply to everyone
I think I've put my finger on what's really bothering me. It's not that I want to get married or have a child; it's that I envy people who are willing to commit to someone, to take the plunge, to know intuitively that someone is right. I have a commitment to school, but I've never been able to commit to another person. No one has ever proposed to me, but I know I could have married two of the people I had relationships with in college--one when I was eighteen, and the other when I was twenty-two. Both times, I backed out after one year. It wouldn't have worked out with either of these people without considerable submission on my part, so it's a good thing I got out. Feh. It's just that I really love this place and the people. I love the mimosa blossoms and the magnolia blossoms that are all over the place. I even love the kudzu, the way it hangs over the power lines. I hate leaving here, and I hate not knowing anything at all for sure. Ugh...the last time I left here, I held my tears until my mom dropped me off at the Birmingham airport, then I opened the floodgates. I sobbed as I went through the security checkpoint. It's a good thing my friend Andrea is taking me to Birmingham tomorrow. :(
three zero
Just turned thirty myself. I have always felt torn by the conflict between making deliberate choices about who and where I want to be and the expectations of who I should be and what I should have accomplished by this point in my life. I feel proud that I have made the decisions I wanted, but at the same time there is no yardstick for measuring that progress. Those ticks on the measuring stick are school, marraige, kids, house, career etc...
Good luck, I'll move along now.
for what it's worth, i never
for what it's worth, i never would have thought you were almost thirty.
as vacuous as it might sound, i think it's important to remember how much not knowing what one wants can count as a decision about what one wants. that is: it needn't be considered a failure to find what one is looking for, or a failure to settle on something.
I hear you. I'll be turning t
I hear you. I'll be turning thirty next year, and I never thought I'd be the kind of person who wigs out at the thought of being thirty, but I'm already having twinges of angst about it. I think part of it is the way the academic career runs on such a different time schedule than most other careers — the friends who don't go to grad school get to go right to all the things that are generally considered markers of adulthood (full-time jobs, long-term relationships, homeowning, kids, the list goes on). Meanwhile, one spends years in relative poverty getting used to relatives asking "So are you still in school?" every Thanksgiving.
I was talking with a friend from my graduate program recently about not feeling like real adults, despite our chronological age. Under the circumstances, it's hard to escape the "I'm not grown up enough" angst, or even the "I wasted my youth! Now what?" angst (I have the latter as well as the former). But it does help to remember that people often do change the direction of their lives, many times over, and that not everyone can predict what's going to happen ten or fifteen or twenty years down the road.
Clancy, hang in there. Trips
Clancy, hang in there. Trips home can turn a world upside down and turning 30, is well, turning 30. B is 36 today and I'll be 36 in August and I feel really cranky about the prospect of being on the downside of a decade heading to 40. I'm one of those people who married young and I had my first kid at 27, and I'm happy to have it. But on the flip side, look at me now - 35 and working on an MA. I don't know anyone who has it "all" and I think it's perfectly normal to take stock, evaluate, compare and realize that you don't have it all either. And turning 30 and taking a trip home certainly can contribute towards self-examination.
Michelle P
Rana
Just chiming in to add my voice of support and sympathy. Since I passed the big 3-0 four years ago, I understand what it's like to have mind/career/social expectations/body out of sync. (You've read a few of my melt-downs along these lines!) :D
All I can really say is hang in there. Odds suggest that you'll live this many years at least once and probably twice over. And you've only been an adult for less than half of your lifetime to date. This doesn't mean the present isn't crazy, but it might help give you some perspective. :)
10-4
Clancy, this was a very touching post. I think I've even thought these exact words to myself in the past few days (er. . . hours): "I'm decidedly not the person I thought I'd be at almost-thirty. I thought I'd be much more together, confident, and mature, further along in my career, less lonely." In fact, I think I have uttered these exact words very recently. You ain't alone, sister, that's for sure. I'll be 30 in February, and I certainly am not the almost-30 person I thought I'd be. I guess it's not all bad. But sometimes it's not so good, either. Thanks for being so honest. It helps to know you're not alone in all this mess.
jenny
For the moment, nearing my 30th b-day
my mind is racing wondering where all the time went in my life when the really big things were meant to happen. when i was supposed to get married. when i was supposed to become a mother. when i was supposed to be buying my house. when i was supposed to be taking my parents on wonderful trips with my own adult money. when i was no longer in debt and there was nothing to worry about but my families health care and if dinner was on the table on time.
but here i am not yet married, not yet engaged, not yet pregnant, not yet a mother, wife, lover or fully fufilled daughter. dissapointing, perhaps...yet i dont feel like i totally wasted to much time for there is something coming to me that is much greater than i ever expected and once it gets here, this will all make sense and then, then the real fun will begin and i will be sending you a postcard with my families picture and name scripted on the right hand corner....it's coming..I can feel it.