This dissertation...

Yesterday I met with my dissertation workshop group, and one of the people whose drafts we were discussing had interspersed "I" with "this dissertation." As in, "This dissertation will combine the work of [this theorist] with [that theorist] and discuss the implications for [this rhetorical activity]." Pretty standard, right? Well, this person (whose draft was excellent, by the way -- very sophisticated and complex) overpersonified his/her dissertation a little bit in a couple of places, with constructions like, "This dissertation is aware of the distinction between [this term] and [that term]."

Of course we all started getting a little silly with that one, laughing riotously and making cracks like:

This dissertation is very worried.
This dissertation has a broken heart.
This dissertation can't get out of bed in the morning.
This dissertation just sits around in its bathrobe all day chainsmoking and listening to Morrissey.

But that's no way to think. Let me try to turn it around:

This dissertation is smiling its way to success.
This dissertation ce-le-brates good times, COME ON!
This dissertation's being headhunted by the most prestigious universities and think tanks in the U.S. and Europe, but it decided to just use its MacArthur grant to set up its own facility.

How about your dissertation?


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This dissertation would

This dissertation would prefer to eat bonbon's to add to it's weight. Words are just tooo low-cal.

Good one.

How about:

This dissertation dances like no one is watching.

Hi, SuperNintendo Chalmers!

Ralph: What's a dissertation?
Skinner: Hahahaha, lets go.
Chalmers: Did that boy say what's a dissertation?
Skinner: No he said "What do these Certs taste like?"
Chalmers: Hmm, it sounded like dissertation.
Skinner: I've had a cold, so--

This dissertation...

This dissertation has an online junkdrawer of related ideas.

Mother Goose version

This dissertation went to market,
This dissertation went home.
This dissertation had roast beef,
And this dissertation had none...
And this dissertation went "woe! woe! woe!" all the way home.

(sorry, the metrical similarity was such that I couldn't resist!)

What procrastination really means..........

This dissertation binder sits on the table.
This dissertation binder thinks it’s able.
This dissertation binder looks rather bare
This dissertation binder has hit a snare.

This little thesis went to work today.
This little thesis wanted only to play.
This little thesis sounded like a good plan.
This little thesis should really be thrown in the can.

This dissertation chapter had a few good notions.
This dissertation chapter will get it all in motion.
This dissertation chapter is a little weak.
This dissertation chapter makes me sound like a freak.

This introduction made a lot of sense
This conclusion sounds really dense.
This theoretical framework isn’t very clear.
This thesis writer needs another beer.

This dissertation defense is a frightening thing
This dissertation defense makes my eyes sting.
This dissertation defense makes my mouth dry.
This dissertation defense finishes with a cry.

This finished dissertation should get me a job
This finished dissertation turned me into a slob.
This finished dissertation ain’t the noble prize,
This finished dissertation sure tries.


Especially the final couplet!

Oh, by the way -- Slatts, thanks for posting links to your stuff! Very impressive.

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