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I'm home. I should be happy.

I've been home since late Friday night, and usually I have a wonderful time here. This time, though, I can't seem to enjoy myself, mostly because of all the work I have to do, but that's not the only dark cloud over my head. Lately I've been brooding about all kinds of personal matters. In early October, I'll be turning thirty, and I'm decidedly not the person I thought I'd be at almost-thirty. I thought I'd be much more together, confident, and mature, further along in my career, less lonely. I never imagined I'd still look at something like this and think it was cool. When I'm here, I see all my friends, some of whom married relatively young, had children, and settled down here, and I envy them. Sure, a lot of what goes into those decisions is social pressure to do those things, but most of the time, when I look at my friends in that situation, I think, wow, they're wise. And happy. They knew what they wanted eleven years before I did (well, I still don't know what I want; so much for that) and went after it. I was talking to one such friend the night before last who is married with three children, and she said I shouldn't envy her, because while she's happy, she has a lot of responsibility, and sometimes she envies me too. I think she was only trying to make me feel better, but I appreciate the gesture.

The other dark cloud is the possibility that, according to my doctor, I might have endometriosis. It's not that serious, but my grandmother had to have a hysterectomy because of it. In all likelihood, it wouldn't come to that in my case, but I have this nagging, paranoid scenario going through my mind: What if my doctor told me I'd have to have a hysterectomy sometime in the next, say, two years, and if I wanted to have a child, I'd better hurry up and do it? I don't have Lil's certainty that I want a child, but given a deadline, would I? If so, whom would I hit up for, uh, donation?

I have to dismiss this nonsense. :(

Finally Moved

Aaah. I'm finally in the new place now...not finished unpacking, but everything is there. My muscles are ripped--especially my biceps and quads, but the arms don't look like Linda Hamilton's just yet. Good thing this new apartment complex has an exercise room. 8)

Must get to work on blog collection stuff now, but first I want to thank all the people who helped: Amy, Brooke, Chris, Ryan, Brent, and Jessica. What did I ever do to deserve such great friends? Not too long ago I traded a pint of my blood for help moving. You think I'm kidding? When I was living in Knoxville, I was going to a UU church for a while, and one Sunday they were having a blood drive. At the little coffee-and-cookies fellowship afterward, one of the members of the congregation came up to me and tried to get me to give blood. Okay, it's not that I'm not altruistic, but I'm a bit needle-squeamish, especially when the needle is in my arm for more than two seconds and I have to make a fist over and over again, so I needed some motivation. I told her I'd give blood if she'd help me move later that month. We signed a little cocktail-napkin contract, I delivered the blood, and later that month, she came to help me move and even brought a friend.

Happy Birthday, Amanda!

Thanks to Orkut, I know to send Amanda best birthday wishes. Amanda, I hope you can tear yourself away from your sorting and packing long enough to go out and have some fun. I feel your pain; I'm doing the same thing right now. Two more days and I'll finally be in the new place.

Finding Ginmar

Via this excellent Body and Soul post that you must not miss, I was happy to find the LJ of my old friend Ginmar from the Ms. boards. She's stationed in Iraq, and posts particularly worth reading are her description of Iraq, daily experience there, her reaction to the photos, and her reaction to the Army's rape prevention workshops. Actually, just read the whole thing. I'd forgotten how much I've missed her.

Strength and Restlessness

Nine more days in this apartment. I've got a lot of my packing done already and should chill out and relax, but I'm restless and can't think about anything else except getting boxes and moving things from one place to another: can't think about prelims, can't think about the course I'm teaching this summer, can't think about the blog collection, can't think about any of the longer posts I want to write here and for Kairosnews. I want to do things like go grocery shopping and wash all my bedding, but not until I'm in the new place, which is driving me nuts too. When I'm moving, I get in this zone; I'm like a machine. I want to show off how freakishly strong I can be. That huge box of books my two friends are struggling to carry up the stairs? Give me that, I say, shaking my head and smiling. And put another one on top of it. I want my arms to look like Linda Hamilton's by the time I'm done :D:


I'm still going to post about GPACW and iLaw, but other things have demanded my attention lately, specifically grading and moving. I've been traipsing all over town requesting boxes, determined not to spend any money on packing materials. I'm completely focused on the new apartment, with all its window light and how great it will look with the accent wall, how good it will smell, the amenities (pool, exercise room), and the general idea of being settled for a couple of years. I don't have a balcony, but I'd still like to buy a couple of plants, probably rosemary and basil. Not many people know this, but I used to be an avid herb gardener when I lived in Tennessee. I grew lavender, lemonbalm, rosemary, dill, thyme, mint, basil, and chives. I was really good at it; I grew some of the plants from seed, and I even kept a garden journal. :) So, although right now I have only about enough intellectual prowess to read articles about the Olsen twins' latest scandalous behavior and to watch movies like Mean Girls (by the way, Krista and Amy, that was fun! Let's do it again sometime.), better blog posts are ahead.

In other news, my tax return was a cool grand, I got a 4.0, and I'm planning on buying a laptop. People are telling me I should get a ThinkPad, but I haven't made a final decision. Recommendations are appreciated.

Edited to add: I also grew sage! How could I forget about my sage? I used to wrap it in bundles using string and hang it up to dry--like the ones you pay $5-7 for in the Wiccan stores. Boy, was I ever crunchy. :)

What I've been doing...

...since I haven't been blogging.

Working, of course, and having a pretty rewarding time with it. I'm in good shape where that's concerned. Soon I'll post my prelims reading lists and the presentation I'm doing in Fargo this weekend once I get it pared down and finish the coding.

Partying with good, good friends. Imagine a backyard, gorgeous weather, witty conversation, lots of laughter, and CCR and The Band in the background. Times to cherish.

Knitting baby hats: I've recently taught myself how to knit on double-pointed needles, a technique which requires knitting with five needles. It makes me feel like the Zenmaster. The pattern is the Umbilical Cord Hat. Right now, I've got one friend who's due Monday, another due in about a week and a half, another due in September, and another due in November--not to mention the babies who are already here for whom I'm knitting hats.

Off to the gym, and then to class. Life's been mighty fine these days. :)

HIV Spread in Porn Industry

From my old college buddy Charges comes a sad story: Porn actor Darren James has tested positive for HIV. They're afraid of that pyramid effect:

The Los Angeles-based industry, which normally films three to four films a day, must now wait 60 days to learn whether the deadly virus spread to 14 actresses who had onscreen sex with James, or to the 35 sex partners the women subsequently had.

Porn star Lara Roxx has tested positive as a result. I don't exactly embrace porn, but it seems insensitive to put a critical spin on this. It's just sad, and I hope no one else is affected. Maybe Lauren or someone at Alas will have thoughtful and appropriate comments on the matter. (Edited to add: Or Christine.)

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